Megary
(Sunday out together at Yishun outlet- with his handsome selected montage at the background)
Here is a post long, long overdue, but you deserve it nonetheless no matter how late this comes.
So here goes,
Dear Gary,
I may not mention you enough of how much you have done for me, but that doesn’t mean I forgot or I am not proud of them all. In fact, what is unboastful and kept in the heart, is most, most, most precious to me.
So here is a little poem I came up for you.
Keep Love*
Keep loving God, there is His eternal Kingdom to race for.
Keep up with me, there is a wonderful journey ahead.
Keep pure, keep smiling, keep going.
Keep knowledge, goodness.
Keep still sometimes:
He whispers,
I breathe,
of Love
*Keep is the central tower used for dungeon and fortress. It is the most defended area of a castle, and as such is the main habitation area, storing armoury, food, and main water well, which would ensure survival during a siege.
Keep used here is an analogy for Love- that to keep love, is to store it in the most defended area, yet an area suitable for growth, survival, withstandable in times of a difficulty.
I love you. =)
Everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
I played this song on repeat mode for super long, and spending time with God. The lyrics are everything I am feeling about…
I am fully convicted physically, emotionally and in spirit that You are all I want and everything I EVER need.
On love
The way to love anything is to realise it may be lost
Don’t I wish sometimes… Life is less of a complication. That things aren’t that easily perishable, lost. How can love be perishable, really. I don’t get it.
on Trust
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” – Mother Theresa.
Long post:
This is a funny quote on trust, and I pondered over it. I always know of God as someone who loves, who protects, who creates, who disciplines, who knows it all. But it is funny, how no worship song, no one ever mentions as God who trusts us.
God trusts us. And maybe one may ask, why does God trust us- blatant liars, with inconsistent lifestyles, double standards and so on. And I think the bottom line is that God loves us. And of the greatest proof of love is to trust the person. To prove I love you child, I trust you.
And the next question maybe is, How does God show that He trusts us. And because I believe in free will, I think God entrusting us the freedom to choose is an act of Him trusting us. That however fallible we are, however we are bound to mess up, flounder along, God chooses to trust us, and not control us. I believe it so, because I know God longs for this trust and free will in relationship, where through that, true love can exist. God didn’t create robots whom he can control and plan and schedule. He created human beings with free will and allow love to blossom as He patiently trusts us. Trusting us to fault, that we can then realise that we want to choose to trust God.
And then one can argue, maybe by controlling us, we can still trust God. In fact, it is easier. Robots are conditioned to trust their master. But then again, that would mean controlled trust, and controlled love. God longs for more than that, not something controlled.
That established, my main point is that, there is a sense of feeling ashamed. The fact that I disappoint so much, yet He still chooses to trust. Am I that worthy?
In the human world, a disappointment slashed, and trust gone, seems a fair enough punishment, well deserved, good enough, tooth for tooth.
You know, I have broken many people’s trust. No doubt. I am not perfect. I make empty promises before, I lied before, I deny, I make false claims.
And I know sometimes it is foolish, it is non-intentional.
So when today, I found my trust in someone being wavered, I reminded myself, the act of trusting in love, and forgiving in grace. That I know how undeserving it is to have someone trust me when I broke it, yet still how reassuring it is. I want to do the same to.
So I want to say here, ‘You may lie, Xiaomei may call me and expose your lies, but above it all, I told myself, I forgive you, because I love you. You can explain to me yourself later. I will listen. Trust between two people is not easily build overnight, and I don’t want Xiaomei to crash it overnight either.’
On a hindsight, God trusts me no doubt. Can I trust Him the same too? Trust Him on his promises of eterntiy- (I struggled with the idea of kingdrom-mindness before), can I trust that the test in front of me is not going to kill me and ruin me, can I trust him with my five loaves and two fishes? Do I even give up my 5 loaves and 2 fishes and entrust it completely in His hands? Do I?
And most importantly, sitting here, and watching people interaction at starbucks and psycho-analyzing them, do I trust God, that this world can be saved. That the people sitting in front of me, God can heal their brokenness. I am filled with much disappointment and frustration and anxiety seeing some things before me, can I trust He would set it right in His own time and in His perfect plan?
Trusting in times of extreme uncertainty, is a real test of true faith and trust itself as a whole.
Monday is non-blue!
The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed. – Chamfort
I thought his quote is quite beautiful. It is true. Why not be happy every day?
Today was really a joyous day for me, definitely not wasted.
I spent the noon with my ex jc classmates, (Chloe, Sijie, Nia). We went back to our alumni to collect our certificates, before heading to the old familiar hawker centre to have our lunch. Such meet ups at places that hold so much memories, and with such great company, is priceless.
Evening, Gary and myself met up and we each had this outdoor camping ingredients list in our hands. He brought me along to help him find out the pricing of the ingredients list for his camp. And with the list and pen ready, we went to the Marketplace to look for the different items. He knows the Marketplace better, so he knows where to scout for the items, and I was beside him writing down the prices of the items on the list- in scribbles that he can only laugh when I pointed it out to him.
It was immensely satisfying, to tour around the almost empty and very very cold Marketplace (they blasted the air con), and we both in our warm hoodies, finishing up the pricing list. Chicken sausage, check. Salt, check. Prawns, check. Chilli Sauce, check… …
Small moments like this, make the heart smile.
Good days like this, make the week better.
Loving you
For those who tried to love the difficult, know that you are not alone, and I am here with you all. Remember always, to love is always worthy. It is strangely more worth it than any other thing you can ever come up with. This is not reckless loving, it is three words: love worth loving.
Growing Up
The hardest part about growing up to be an adult, is to recognise that you can never make the excuse of ‘I am too young to be prudent’ anymore. To take up responsibilities that you never once had to carry. To know that every action can have consequential effect, and things that were to take place thereafter, can never be erased by a meek, innocent, doe-eyed ’sorry’. The painful part about growing up, is to realise that few can really live up to, ‘I’ll stand by you’, and ‘I love you’.
You know some times, we never really grow up, because we don’t want to. But it will be a shame if we don’t. Cause albeit how not attractive adulthood sounds, there can be joy and treasures. Joy and treasures when every action I make, every responsibility I have to take up, I think of You, think of my future, think of you whom I love, think of my family, and I say this- It is worth it that I live my life for them, not for myself anymore. Because the self in its flesh, is flawed and even more so when put in the crude adulthood. But the self filled with love- love that is worth it all, can be a better self.
I think as a child we think of our selves only. But as an adult, when faced with such crude realities, and such real burdens, and such immense consequences, we learn prudency, we learn that the people at stake whom we love so much can never be replaced, and we don’t want to risk those we love for any other things.
I love you.
31st!
31st May 2009 (3105)
Pictures taken during the Sunday outing with Gary dear.
My dear, just wanna say you’re very much loved and appreciated. And at times when I am slow to reciprocate, it doesn’t mean that you’re forgotten. I am a human being, which is not mould to be perfect. Why don’t you try to look towards God? When I am slow to care, (I still care), God cares right from the start. When I am unable to provide (not because I don’t want to, but because I am limited), God provides abundantly.
Still, I really want to tell you that you’ve a very beautiful heart. Follow your heart, trust your instincts, listen to it. Don’t be too clouded by your mind when you’re tired, when you’re weak, when thoughts become negative. Because your beautiful heart can overcome many things, can brave storms, can triumph and love amazingly.
Outing with Mama Jo
Dated 24th May 2009 Sunday
Sunday- Gary and I went out again, and this time round, we spent time with our Godmama- Mama Jo. Before we sat down for lunch, we realise that it was Mama Jo’s birthday the next day. Panick! Because it was so last minute and we didn’t realise it. So I offered to buy lunch for all of them. While ordering food, I told the stall holder that I would come back to collect my food. And I rushed off to a cafe to buy a cake, with candle and borrowed a lighter from one of the waiters there. Then, I brought all the food and cake back, and tadah! Surprise surprise, Mama Jo has a simple cake to celebrate her birthday. =)
Gary also scouted off to the loo, and bought 3 tickets to Night at the Musuem 2. We were really excited to have Mama Jo along to watch a movie with us youngsters. And oh boy, she really enjoyed herself throughout the show, and she text us at the end of the day, that she really enjoyed spending such a surprise and unexpected birthday with us.
At night, Gary and myself had this exotic dish- Kahbab. We ordered takeaway chicken roll, and went to the lan shop to play Left4dead. Haha! We make better teammates each time we played, or maybe I am less of a blur kuku and improve bit by bit each time.
That whole sunday was really meaningful.
Next Sunday would be fun too! I am looking forward!
