On love
The way to love anything is to realise it may be lost
Don’t I wish sometimes… Life is less of a complication. That things aren’t that easily perishable, lost. How can love be perishable, really. I don’t get it.
GOD, You never fake me!
Gary, especially, you must read this post!
You see, God placed two events that are a blessing to me. But the two events haven’t taken place. So I was hoping when the day draws nearer to the two events, these events REALLY turn out to be a blessing, and I am happy. And not, halfway things change course, and I end up being disappointed.
And on Wednesday night, one event took place, and it turned out to be disappointing. And I was in tears and complaining to Gary that God faked! He does not love me. It was supposed to be something happy, wonderful, but it turned out ugly. I took a shower, with water running down my face, and I made a humble cry, ‘God I gave my best, my best, my best. And I thought this time round You would bless me. You didn’t. You broke me to pieces. Why?’ And God asked me this question, ‘So what do you want, my child? Everything is a blessing, it is how you look at the issue. What do you want. How do you want Me to prove that I love you?’ I fought back in tears. And Gary told me very firmly, ‘God loves you.’ I thought my struggles were stumbling Gary’s faith, but he cameback full force with such geniune childlike belief in God’s love. So I said, ‘I just want to be happy. I need to feel loved sometimes. Because I give my best so much, who gives their best to me?’ And with that thought, I went to bed.
So Thursday, the second event was to take place. And with faith, I hope it would turn out great, and I would be blessed. Most importantly, God, I just want to go through something feeling happy.
Before going for it, I had lunch with Melissa, and she told me that our God is a God of moderation. He won’t be harsh and disciplines all the time. He knows when to moderate.
And the 2nd event went through, and I felt undeservingly loved, too much for me to withhold. It was a bunch of people that I least expect would call me out for a meetup. And a bunch of people I least expect would care what I am going through. A bunch of people I least expect to ever ever see again. A bunch of people I thought God took them away for good, because of certain circumstances. But no, I gave my best, He never shortchanged me. YOU KNOW, I freaking believe in this now, when one invest and give one’s best in another’s soul, the effect is eternal. With all my heart and soul, I gave my best to these bunch of friendships, without expecting anything in return, but really, if I could, I give my best. And when I expect nothing in return, and something comes back in return, I am overwhelmed. I felt loved, but I didn’t deserve it. They could jolly well don’t give a damn about me. But they tried to show me in their own ways, they cared….
Thank You God.
And Gary, I hope I didn’t stumble you, and here I comeback full force, wanting to tell you, Thank you, you’re right. God loves me. And when I needed proof of it desperately at the brink of the moment, God proved it to me. Maybe not in a big cloud, maybe not in a big physical hug, but He proved it to me convincingly enough in other ways.
I believe in God. I don’t think things happen for coincidence.
And this time round, He blessed me, and made me truly happy, and moderates His stance towards me by being nice, only when I can take it with humility and appreciation, and learn from it.
I don’t know how much of this post is coherant, or makes sense. But I am very very very touched inside. Thank you also, Vio, Ziyong, Jerevin, Baoling, Joshua. Thank you, thank you, thank you….
/edit: These are insights from a msn conversation with Yanshao regarding this post. And I think it would be brilliant to share.
That maybe I am blessed to be a blessing (to others). And really, what is God trying to do by blessing me- it is definitely more than proving His love for me, and by making me happy. For this case, God made me more convicted, that it’s never wrong to invest in people’s lives.
God showed me the fruits of investing in people’s lives with a pure heart. And Yanshao pointed out that, the fruits are meant to spur me on. But even without fruits, I should be willing and happy to give my all in all relationships.
When I give my best with the correct direction and motivation and heart attitude, I know that God is pleased with my actions. And the fruits are secondary.
Also on another point I learnt, is that even if God chooses not to blessed, not to give (for His own reasons, I may not comprehend fully at the moment), do I look at the gifts, or do I fix my eyes on the Giver himself. Even if there are no gifts in store, will I still look upon my Giver with love, and not be constantly begging for gifts, but learn to understand the heart of my ultimate Giver.
Amen. what a long post!
Love
just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
BANG! BANG! BANG! Couldn’t help but post this entry. I need to know this for sure, instead of knowing this as head knowledge only.
It applies to a lot of areas in my life, because I am a human being with expecations. And it does hurt when my expectations don’t get met, but does that mean I’m not getting what I deserve?
Just because, for example, God doesn’t love me the way I want Him to, (sometimes, I want him to appear in a big physical hug), doesn’t mean He doesn’t love me with all He has.
Loving you
For those who tried to love the difficult, know that you are not alone, and I am here with you all. Remember always, to love is always worthy. It is strangely more worth it than any other thing you can ever come up with. This is not reckless loving, it is three words: love worth loving.
Growing Up
The hardest part about growing up to be an adult, is to recognise that you can never make the excuse of ‘I am too young to be prudent’ anymore. To take up responsibilities that you never once had to carry. To know that every action can have consequential effect, and things that were to take place thereafter, can never be erased by a meek, innocent, doe-eyed ’sorry’. The painful part about growing up, is to realise that few can really live up to, ‘I’ll stand by you’, and ‘I love you’.
You know some times, we never really grow up, because we don’t want to. But it will be a shame if we don’t. Cause albeit how not attractive adulthood sounds, there can be joy and treasures. Joy and treasures when every action I make, every responsibility I have to take up, I think of You, think of my future, think of you whom I love, think of my family, and I say this- It is worth it that I live my life for them, not for myself anymore. Because the self in its flesh, is flawed and even more so when put in the crude adulthood. But the self filled with love- love that is worth it all, can be a better self.
I think as a child we think of our selves only. But as an adult, when faced with such crude realities, and such real burdens, and such immense consequences, we learn prudency, we learn that the people at stake whom we love so much can never be replaced, and we don’t want to risk those we love for any other things.
I love you.
Human love
We never really move on. We tell ourselves we have and if we ignore it long enough, we think we have moved on. But we know we haven’t.
Old scars lead to fears, and some other fears are natural too. Natural human reaction. Who isn’t afraid of loving and giving their heart? Cause we know, the other party is an imperfect human, and that NO MATTER how much the person may love you, the person may hurt you somewhere along the way. And no one hurts you more than the person you love most.
And if your human love for me runs dry one day, would I have enough love for you?
That’s why, the centre of all human relationships need God in it. Because we are really so imperfect in loving, and imperfect love is not sustainable, not eternal, and will crumble without His love for us, and our love for Him; that we love each other, because He first loved us.
on Love
You see, I loved her.
It was love at first sight,
at last sight
at ever and ever sight.
