A long paragraph

went for threading, had a meetup with Siti and Ryan, ate honey pork ribs (again) and it still as tasty as ever, am doing this post at 2:38am because I cannot sleep and it is unfair because Gary is just 5metres away from me and sleeping like a pig already. okie, I also realised I have course readings to do/ books to buy to read, because my prof just sent me an email to read those up (bloody hell- where to get the books in time to read), and prof said he hates ppl to use laptop in his class (bloody hell x 2- what kinda prof did I just choose? and did i bid $18++ for this prof?). Alright calm down. I need to download my course outlines, before I become a blur queen in class (which I hate to be, so I better stop slacking my remaining of my holidays away already. need to buck up on preparation work!) And Dad is very very very nice, the Macbook he got for me is coming by this friday (whoooopie, but i feel a bit heartpain, because it is expensive nonetheless, and I don’t know if i really need it, more slanted towards I want it. But he thinks I need it). Gary and I had a nice talk, after I get secretly mad about him over something (which I ended up sms-ing a few good friends about). I wish I can be there to help someone, but I dunno how to go about doing it. On the other hand, I wish I can tell another person to get over me. See, God places different people in my life under different scenerios, and make me handle them differently. brilliant, as if I got not enough to handle already. Just deleted about 50 spam mails in my smu email account. Amazing. I like to clear my emails. Uni is starting so soon. Need to do something urgently, top of the list- PRAY.

Goodnight.

on Trust

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” – Mother Theresa.

Long post:

This is a funny quote on trust, and I pondered over it. I always know of God as someone who loves, who protects, who creates, who disciplines, who knows it all. But it is funny, how no worship song, no one ever mentions as God who trusts us.

God trusts us. And maybe one may ask, why does God trust us- blatant liars, with inconsistent lifestyles, double standards and so on. And I think the bottom line is that God loves us. And of the greatest proof of love is to trust the person. To prove I love you child, I trust you.

And the next question maybe is, How does God show that He trusts us. And because I believe in free will, I think God entrusting us the freedom to choose is an act of Him trusting us. That however fallible we are, however we are bound to mess up, flounder along, God chooses to trust us, and not control us. I believe it so, because I know God longs for this trust and free will in relationship, where through that, true love can exist. God didn’t create robots whom he can control and plan and schedule. He created human beings with free will and allow love to blossom as He patiently trusts us. Trusting us to fault, that we can then realise that we want to choose to trust God.

And then one can argue, maybe by controlling us, we can still trust God. In fact, it is easier. Robots are conditioned to trust their master. But then again, that would mean controlled trust, and controlled love. God longs for more than that, not something controlled.

That established, my main point is that, there is a sense of feeling ashamed. The fact that I disappoint so much, yet He still chooses to trust. Am I that worthy?

In the human world, a disappointment slashed, and trust gone, seems a fair enough punishment, well deserved, good enough, tooth for tooth.

You know, I have broken many people’s trust. No doubt. I am not perfect. I make empty promises before, I lied before, I deny, I make false claims.
And I know sometimes it is foolish, it is non-intentional.

So when today, I found my trust in someone being wavered, I reminded myself, the act of trusting in love, and forgiving in grace. That I know how undeserving it is to have someone trust me when I broke it, yet still how reassuring it is. I want to do the same to.
So I want to say here, ‘You may lie, Xiaomei may call me and expose your lies, but above it all, I told myself, I forgive you, because I love you. You can explain to me yourself later. I will listen. Trust between two people is not easily build overnight, and I don’t want Xiaomei to crash it overnight either.’

On a hindsight, God trusts me no doubt. Can I trust Him the same too? Trust Him on his promises of eterntiy- (I struggled with the idea of kingdrom-mindness before), can I trust that the test in front of me is not going to kill me and ruin me, can I trust him with my five loaves and two fishes? Do I even give up my 5 loaves and 2 fishes and entrust it completely in His hands? Do I?

And most importantly, sitting here, and watching people interaction at starbucks and psycho-analyzing them, do I trust God, that this world can be saved. That the people sitting in front of me, God can heal their brokenness. I am filled with much disappointment and frustration and anxiety seeing some things before me, can I trust He would set it right in His own time and in His perfect plan?

Trusting in times of extreme uncertainty, is a real test of true faith and trust itself as a whole.

=D

OMG! I miss you, and it is 2:36AM now. This is crazy. I think if I miss you just a little tiny weeny bit more, I might just run over to meet you right away. I cannot wait to see you the next time round.

Humdums: A day before the 9th, does that count?

I shall start catergorising my entries from now onwards, though it is going to be hard, because I hardly type posts with a central theme, especially on day like this.

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