My architect and builder
Hebrews 11:10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
I was doing QT with God at SMU HQ today. And I came across above verse. It struck me big time.
I have always known God as my creator and the creator of the beautiful nature.
Today, I understand God deeper as my architect and builder-
He has the blueprint,
He designs with scrutiny,
He builds from scratch, and
He has a project in mind for
each and everyone of us.
I too, want to be like Abraham,and trust that my God is the ultimate architect and builder of my life, my community and my caregroup.
Everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
I played this song on repeat mode for super long, and spending time with God. The lyrics are everything I am feeling about…
I am fully convicted physically, emotionally and in spirit that You are all I want and everything I EVER need.
On love
The way to love anything is to realise it may be lost
Don’t I wish sometimes… Life is less of a complication. That things aren’t that easily perishable, lost. How can love be perishable, really. I don’t get it.
on Trust
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” – Mother Theresa.
Long post:
This is a funny quote on trust, and I pondered over it. I always know of God as someone who loves, who protects, who creates, who disciplines, who knows it all. But it is funny, how no worship song, no one ever mentions as God who trusts us.
God trusts us. And maybe one may ask, why does God trust us- blatant liars, with inconsistent lifestyles, double standards and so on. And I think the bottom line is that God loves us. And of the greatest proof of love is to trust the person. To prove I love you child, I trust you.
And the next question maybe is, How does God show that He trusts us. And because I believe in free will, I think God entrusting us the freedom to choose is an act of Him trusting us. That however fallible we are, however we are bound to mess up, flounder along, God chooses to trust us, and not control us. I believe it so, because I know God longs for this trust and free will in relationship, where through that, true love can exist. God didn’t create robots whom he can control and plan and schedule. He created human beings with free will and allow love to blossom as He patiently trusts us. Trusting us to fault, that we can then realise that we want to choose to trust God.
And then one can argue, maybe by controlling us, we can still trust God. In fact, it is easier. Robots are conditioned to trust their master. But then again, that would mean controlled trust, and controlled love. God longs for more than that, not something controlled.
That established, my main point is that, there is a sense of feeling ashamed. The fact that I disappoint so much, yet He still chooses to trust. Am I that worthy?
In the human world, a disappointment slashed, and trust gone, seems a fair enough punishment, well deserved, good enough, tooth for tooth.
You know, I have broken many people’s trust. No doubt. I am not perfect. I make empty promises before, I lied before, I deny, I make false claims.
And I know sometimes it is foolish, it is non-intentional.
So when today, I found my trust in someone being wavered, I reminded myself, the act of trusting in love, and forgiving in grace. That I know how undeserving it is to have someone trust me when I broke it, yet still how reassuring it is. I want to do the same to.
So I want to say here, ‘You may lie, Xiaomei may call me and expose your lies, but above it all, I told myself, I forgive you, because I love you. You can explain to me yourself later. I will listen. Trust between two people is not easily build overnight, and I don’t want Xiaomei to crash it overnight either.’
On a hindsight, God trusts me no doubt. Can I trust Him the same too? Trust Him on his promises of eterntiy- (I struggled with the idea of kingdrom-mindness before), can I trust that the test in front of me is not going to kill me and ruin me, can I trust him with my five loaves and two fishes? Do I even give up my 5 loaves and 2 fishes and entrust it completely in His hands? Do I?
And most importantly, sitting here, and watching people interaction at starbucks and psycho-analyzing them, do I trust God, that this world can be saved. That the people sitting in front of me, God can heal their brokenness. I am filled with much disappointment and frustration and anxiety seeing some things before me, can I trust He would set it right in His own time and in His perfect plan?
Trusting in times of extreme uncertainty, is a real test of true faith and trust itself as a whole.
GOD, You never fake me!
Gary, especially, you must read this post!
You see, God placed two events that are a blessing to me. But the two events haven’t taken place. So I was hoping when the day draws nearer to the two events, these events REALLY turn out to be a blessing, and I am happy. And not, halfway things change course, and I end up being disappointed.
And on Wednesday night, one event took place, and it turned out to be disappointing. And I was in tears and complaining to Gary that God faked! He does not love me. It was supposed to be something happy, wonderful, but it turned out ugly. I took a shower, with water running down my face, and I made a humble cry, ‘God I gave my best, my best, my best. And I thought this time round You would bless me. You didn’t. You broke me to pieces. Why?’ And God asked me this question, ‘So what do you want, my child? Everything is a blessing, it is how you look at the issue. What do you want. How do you want Me to prove that I love you?’ I fought back in tears. And Gary told me very firmly, ‘God loves you.’ I thought my struggles were stumbling Gary’s faith, but he cameback full force with such geniune childlike belief in God’s love. So I said, ‘I just want to be happy. I need to feel loved sometimes. Because I give my best so much, who gives their best to me?’ And with that thought, I went to bed.
So Thursday, the second event was to take place. And with faith, I hope it would turn out great, and I would be blessed. Most importantly, God, I just want to go through something feeling happy.
Before going for it, I had lunch with Melissa, and she told me that our God is a God of moderation. He won’t be harsh and disciplines all the time. He knows when to moderate.
And the 2nd event went through, and I felt undeservingly loved, too much for me to withhold. It was a bunch of people that I least expect would call me out for a meetup. And a bunch of people I least expect would care what I am going through. A bunch of people I least expect to ever ever see again. A bunch of people I thought God took them away for good, because of certain circumstances. But no, I gave my best, He never shortchanged me. YOU KNOW, I freaking believe in this now, when one invest and give one’s best in another’s soul, the effect is eternal. With all my heart and soul, I gave my best to these bunch of friendships, without expecting anything in return, but really, if I could, I give my best. And when I expect nothing in return, and something comes back in return, I am overwhelmed. I felt loved, but I didn’t deserve it. They could jolly well don’t give a damn about me. But they tried to show me in their own ways, they cared….
Thank You God.
And Gary, I hope I didn’t stumble you, and here I comeback full force, wanting to tell you, Thank you, you’re right. God loves me. And when I needed proof of it desperately at the brink of the moment, God proved it to me. Maybe not in a big cloud, maybe not in a big physical hug, but He proved it to me convincingly enough in other ways.
I believe in God. I don’t think things happen for coincidence.
And this time round, He blessed me, and made me truly happy, and moderates His stance towards me by being nice, only when I can take it with humility and appreciation, and learn from it.
I don’t know how much of this post is coherant, or makes sense. But I am very very very touched inside. Thank you also, Vio, Ziyong, Jerevin, Baoling, Joshua. Thank you, thank you, thank you….
/edit: These are insights from a msn conversation with Yanshao regarding this post. And I think it would be brilliant to share.
That maybe I am blessed to be a blessing (to others). And really, what is God trying to do by blessing me- it is definitely more than proving His love for me, and by making me happy. For this case, God made me more convicted, that it’s never wrong to invest in people’s lives.
God showed me the fruits of investing in people’s lives with a pure heart. And Yanshao pointed out that, the fruits are meant to spur me on. But even without fruits, I should be willing and happy to give my all in all relationships.
When I give my best with the correct direction and motivation and heart attitude, I know that God is pleased with my actions. And the fruits are secondary.
Also on another point I learnt, is that even if God chooses not to blessed, not to give (for His own reasons, I may not comprehend fully at the moment), do I look at the gifts, or do I fix my eyes on the Giver himself. Even if there are no gifts in store, will I still look upon my Giver with love, and not be constantly begging for gifts, but learn to understand the heart of my ultimate Giver.
Amen. what a long post!
Still…
trying to hold on to the hope that God is really being nice, and not faking it. It is like, when I am blessed (out of the blue, after a long while), I go, ‘WHAT? Are you faking me?’ ‘Or are You going to bomb something unpleasant down later?’
This sounds like a really weird conversation with God. But bottom of it, I still love God for whatever He is going to rain down on me- good or bad.
Loving you
For those who tried to love the difficult, know that you are not alone, and I am here with you all. Remember always, to love is always worthy. It is strangely more worth it than any other thing you can ever come up with. This is not reckless loving, it is three words: love worth loving.
Fasting
We embarked on fasting recently. The key of fasting is so that, when you fast, you depend on God for strength and draw closer to God, as you fast away from those things. Normal fasting includes, not eating certain meals of the day. Other types of fasting can be fasting from a certain bad habit: watching tv, eating chocolates and so on. And I chose to fast on Negative Thoughts.
I see the consequence of being filled with too much negative thoughts, and I really want to fast from it, and at the same time, fill myself with God’s truth and promises, and know that He is the source of joy. Through 5 days of fasting, everything went fine. In fact it was very smooth sailing. I was almost living in a Barney Land, with no worries and with such positivity. Anything negative or disturbing, I would cast it away in His name.
At one point, I thought, this fasting is too good to be true. Too easy, too wonderful. Isn’t fasting supposed to be painful that you learn to grow closer to God? Mine seemed too easy.
And oh boy. God works in many wonderous ways. Just today, He placed a situation whereby I was very tempted to be negative and be sulky, upset, and worried. I was filled with so much troubled thoughts, I walked away from a study session with Sophia, and headed home straightaway. Along the way home, I knew God was testing me. And fasting was never easy to begin with. I just tasted it. Above it all, I am amazed in how He works. Always putting test in front of me, to test my perserverance and making it just bearable enough for me to go through it hand in hand with Him.
Along the way home, I smsed a few others, and prayed, and tell God, “okie, this situation is indeed very troubling and is nagging at my heart, and is quite a big burden, but I am going to remain positive and depend on You. I will continue to fast from negative thoughts, draw from You as a source of strength, and remind myself that positivity really can ensure that half the battle is won. You will tide me through this.”
Phillippians 4: 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
